Good evening, blogosphere! I write again out of the depths of my mother's computer because, see, the something liquid in the something layer of McGillicudy's screen did something and they had to send it somewhere to have something done...it's $200. That part I understood.
Today was my first day being an Editorial Intern! Actually, it's pretty cool. I basically do exactly what the editorial assistant would be doing if there wasn't an editorial intern to do it for her. Read submissions. Write reading recommendations. File things. Also moderate the web forum so that the kids don't scare each other.
Things I have never done before and are harder than they look: using a letter opener.
Potential disasters:
1. Tearing people's submissions in half
2. Tearing a letter from the publisher's insurance company in half
3. Giving up, opening it by hand, and tearing the top off someone's cover letter.
4. Stabbing oneself
5. Scratching oneself
NOTE: 4 and 5 are different. When you stab yourself, you get a puncture wound. When you scratch yourself it's much more mild.
Other injuries incurred: The welt on my left hand due to one of those heavy duty rubber bands. It had previously been holding a huge-ass stack of envelopes together. Yet, when I tried to put it BACK around that self-same huge-ass stack of envelopes, all hell broke loose. Your sympathy is much appreciated.
Today was a lot of learning the, uh, "ropes" (as the kids are calling it these days), but I did go through a huge stack of "humor" submissions.
I do not fancy myself an expert on the process. I do not even fancy myself an expert on good writing, and certainly not on humor-writing. HOWEVER. I am fairly certain that "not TOO terribly depressing" does not COUNT as humor. Other things that do not count as humor: "Ha ha we thought a murderer broke into the house. He didn't."
Actually I will be honest...form-rejection was scaring the hell out of me. That is the part where I, your lowly intern, try to weed out the obvious "no's" so that the lovely editorial assistant did not have to read them. But, especially because it was supposed to be "humor," I was just terrified that my particular sense of humor was just too picky / not right for the magazine and that I was going to reject what was, in reality, the most vomit-inducingly funny pieces ever.
Well that was an attractive way to put it.
I plan on getting over it, though.
And I read a couple really good stories! Okay, one. But it was really good!
Okay, since we are discussing hazards, remember how I said I had fifteen blood tests done? That amounted to 8 vials of blood taken, which has resulted in a really impressive bruise. Four inches long about that vein.
The nice part of all this is that I have no heard back from my doctor about the results of these tests. Oh, she called, let's not get ahead of ourselves. And she left a message saying basically "Oh, you're not picking up your phone. Cool. Well, I'm leaving town tomorrow. Bye!"
In the meantime, I have these swollen lymph nodes in my neck that have been there for more than two months now. Originally it was assumed I had a mild cold or allergies, then it was assumed I had mono, then three mono tests came back negative and we were about to flip our shit and get the suckers biopsied when a savior mono test came back positive. Backstory: complete.
So, having found what I thought was another swollen node in the groin area and having a freaking panic attack, and having JUST been hit with the fatigue that should have hit, like, when I still had mono, I went to my doctor a few days ago to hear the following phrases that you never really want to hear from your doctor:
"Oh, yeah, you're right. Mono doesn't really work like that."
"Don't worry, that's not another gland, that's just a cyst. Hold up. Why do you have a cyst?"*
"Well we'll do the basic test now. If it comes back wonky, we'll do a more expensive test. Tell your parents, because nothing ever comes back normal with you."
"When was your last kidney biopsy? Really? That long ago? Hmm."
*Been There Done That (Cyst in the Reproductive System Edition): Two years ago, or three, who really knows, I had a cyst the size of a lemon removed from my left ovary. But since my doctor would not say anything besides "cyst, not gland, go see your OBGYN have fun" we may get a repeat of Cyst in the Reproductive System. Which, incidentally, has nothing to do with lupus.
"Your blood pressure is perfect. GOOD JOB." Why thank you, nurse.
Other things I enjoy: Getting an email telling me that CellCept, another "Been There Done That (drug edition)" has been doing well in phase III trials. Hooray!
That is all, friends. Hopefully I will have more interest from the publishing world soon. Oh, did you all go out and buy a Eula Biss book? No? FOR SHAME!
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