Hur, hur, hur. My friend made that joke the other day and I decided it was the best thing ever. Now I tell it to everyone.
I recognize that I am utter fail at updating this blog now that school's gotten underway. It's not actually that I don't have thirty minutes to type things up, it is more that I have trouble finding brain power with which I can make coherent sentences. Regardless, the people who follow this blog probably have, you know, lives, so I'm not apologizing too heartily.
Anyway, things! I did the Cleveland lupus walk on Saturday which was a psychologically confusing experience. While I'm fairly open now about the fact that I HAVE lupus (I mean, I tell people, when appropriate circumstances arise, with the exception of employers and professors, who I only tell when absolutely necessary) but I am not over the roof about open displays of lupieness which has not ALL that much to do with the disease itself...I generally don't like branding myself too heartily or allying myself publicly with things.
But I got this hoodie. Oh my goodness, this hoodie. It is mortifyingly green (matches my sheets perfectly! I've already lost it three times on my bed.)and says "walk for lupus now" on one side. I got it for raising more than $100 in donations but it is just too comfortable not to wear, even though I feel really REALLY weird about wearing it.
I also got a hat. Actually, it was kind of funny because when I first got there i thought "this is so weird, you cannot tell AT ALL who here is a patient and who is supporting/family/friend/etc. There is just practically no way to tell." But then I went to get my hoodie and they looked at their list and back up at me and said "Oh, you're a patient? You get a hat. Go get your hat." At first I thought it was a pity hat but no! It was a "THESE ARE THE LUPIES" hat.
Actually it was probably neither. Or both. I just amused myself with this concept for a while.
Regardless, in a painful irony, walking 5k busted up my left leg so I am Le Hobbler now. It's so odd, my foot where i had surgery is going batshit but I can't walk on the side of my foot to avoid my toe because then my knee cracks, and my hip is just...don't even talk to me about my hip. Stupid leg. Luckily no matter how slowly I cross the street I'll never get hit! Because I'm auto......
Okay. I'm done.
Next time: Submissions from hell, including Pooky the cat.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Friday, September 10, 2010
Why being ill is incompatible with my life
Dear friends, I have somehow managed to acquire 5 jobs. Prior to Thursday, I only had two. Three. But, in a piece of exciting news, remember how this whole blog started out with fun stories about crazy submissions and nutty intern-moments? Well, the place I interned for has offered me a job as a first reader! (see here if you forgot how the process works) It pays more dollars per hour than my sandwich/smoothie/coffee making job on campus but it is probably fewer hours a week, so I am keeping my menial labor. Especially since, in menial-labor-land, i was just promoted to student manager. Also, I like making smoothies, okay?? It's not that hard to keep me entertained.
So that's three jobs (sandwich/smoothie, coffee shop, first reader), and I am a writing associate for an English class this semester (one I took and was terrible at, so this should be interesting), and then my internship emailed me again and was like oh yeah and do you also want to write up reader reports for one of our magazines?
And I was like yes. Yes I do.
This is actually so exciting, folks, even though I do not think I want to be in publishing forever, I have some sort of nifty "in" with this small part of the publishing world because they liiiiiiked me! So be liked at your internships, I guess is what I'm saying, and you, too, can overwhelm yourself with too many jobs.
So basically, I know that I'm going to get swamped and overwhelmed, but the best thing for me is to keep as busy as I want to keep and work on organizing my time ridiculously well. I don't accept my own disease as a legitimate excuse not to do the things I am doing. Mostly this is because I can't tell when I'm actually too tired/sick/sore or when I am just unmotivated. And when I am unmotivated, is it legit BECAUSE I'm tired/sick/sore? I dunno. You would think I'd know since I've had this crazy disease for eleven years but no, I don't. Oh well!
Hokay that's all for now. I am not good at updating this and existing at the same time, but shall continue to do my best!
So that's three jobs (sandwich/smoothie, coffee shop, first reader), and I am a writing associate for an English class this semester (one I took and was terrible at, so this should be interesting), and then my internship emailed me again and was like oh yeah and do you also want to write up reader reports for one of our magazines?
And I was like yes. Yes I do.
This is actually so exciting, folks, even though I do not think I want to be in publishing forever, I have some sort of nifty "in" with this small part of the publishing world because they liiiiiiked me! So be liked at your internships, I guess is what I'm saying, and you, too, can overwhelm yourself with too many jobs.
So basically, I know that I'm going to get swamped and overwhelmed, but the best thing for me is to keep as busy as I want to keep and work on organizing my time ridiculously well. I don't accept my own disease as a legitimate excuse not to do the things I am doing. Mostly this is because I can't tell when I'm actually too tired/sick/sore or when I am just unmotivated. And when I am unmotivated, is it legit BECAUSE I'm tired/sick/sore? I dunno. You would think I'd know since I've had this crazy disease for eleven years but no, I don't. Oh well!
Hokay that's all for now. I am not good at updating this and existing at the same time, but shall continue to do my best!
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Insecurity
I've definitely been meaning to do this one for a while, because everyone knows that it's hard to feel good about yourself if you don't feel good in general. So how do you gain confidence while living with a chronic illness? Or is that even possible?
My insecurities started really early with my prednisone face. I am still surprised sometimes when I see pictures of myself and my face ISN'T round, because I have thoroughly ingrained the idea of myself as "chubby-cheeked." And when you are insecure about your face, everything else goes downhill.
The next thing I got insecure about was my hair which, in my recollection, got gross pretty shortly after I was diagnosed, but that also corresponded with puberty (I know, the timing was just fantastic, wasn't it?) so that was probably to blame more than the lupus. Regardless, I had thick, long, wavy hair until about fifth grade when it frizzed out, yo. And thick, frizzy, unmanageable hair SUCKS when you are entering middle school and suddenly all the "mature" girls have really luscious locks. More than my face, I have always managed to associate good hair with maturity (because I never knew how to handle my hair and somehow I figured that was just a lack of maturity on my part? What?) and therefore often feel inferior to everyone around me.
And of course, I feel heavy all the time, and that leads to my wearing baggy clothes even though I KNOW I am pretty small.
All of this stems from, I think, the fact that I am hyper-aware of my body almost all the time. My body isn't particularly convenient for me; I often feel I am lugging it around. It pulls me down even when my brain is alert and wanting to be productive, and I cannot ignore it because it forces itself on me through various discomforts and pains. I feel heavy because I am stiff and it takes more effort than it should to move, as though I am carrying a bigger weight than I really am.
Okay so how can we handle these physical anxieties? Since we want to go out and feel good about ourselves and seduce people with our wits, charms, and beauties, how can we ignore the fact that everything we are feeling points to "gross"?
One of my friends has told me multiple times "the days when you feel the fattest are when you should dress the sluttiest." Taking the spirit of the comment, I have been working on getting rid of my middle/high school wardrobe: I've scaled my tee shirt size down a little, then too much, then up again so that I am comfortable but also do not look like I am wearing a sack. This has the added benefit of making me appear as though I am comfortable with myself, even when I am not.
I started dying my hair in 10th grade, and that has helped my self-esteem a lot, because there's something I have some measure of control over. I also found a hairdresser who can thin my hair out a lot without making it look stringy.
And for my face, I leave it alone. I don't wear make-up because that's just another thing attracting my own attention to my own face, which is never a good plan. I think it all comes down to tricking myself.
This feels like a very superficial blog post but I think that in a world where we are ALL insecure and we ALL feel fat and we're ALL always having bad hair days, it can help to break down a little the reasons why because that is the best way (for me?) to try and counteract it. Anyway, whatever we say when we're feeling high and mighty, we all want to look nice, at least to ourselves.
My insecurities started really early with my prednisone face. I am still surprised sometimes when I see pictures of myself and my face ISN'T round, because I have thoroughly ingrained the idea of myself as "chubby-cheeked." And when you are insecure about your face, everything else goes downhill.
The next thing I got insecure about was my hair which, in my recollection, got gross pretty shortly after I was diagnosed, but that also corresponded with puberty (I know, the timing was just fantastic, wasn't it?) so that was probably to blame more than the lupus. Regardless, I had thick, long, wavy hair until about fifth grade when it frizzed out, yo. And thick, frizzy, unmanageable hair SUCKS when you are entering middle school and suddenly all the "mature" girls have really luscious locks. More than my face, I have always managed to associate good hair with maturity (because I never knew how to handle my hair and somehow I figured that was just a lack of maturity on my part? What?) and therefore often feel inferior to everyone around me.
And of course, I feel heavy all the time, and that leads to my wearing baggy clothes even though I KNOW I am pretty small.
All of this stems from, I think, the fact that I am hyper-aware of my body almost all the time. My body isn't particularly convenient for me; I often feel I am lugging it around. It pulls me down even when my brain is alert and wanting to be productive, and I cannot ignore it because it forces itself on me through various discomforts and pains. I feel heavy because I am stiff and it takes more effort than it should to move, as though I am carrying a bigger weight than I really am.
Okay so how can we handle these physical anxieties? Since we want to go out and feel good about ourselves and seduce people with our wits, charms, and beauties, how can we ignore the fact that everything we are feeling points to "gross"?
One of my friends has told me multiple times "the days when you feel the fattest are when you should dress the sluttiest." Taking the spirit of the comment, I have been working on getting rid of my middle/high school wardrobe: I've scaled my tee shirt size down a little, then too much, then up again so that I am comfortable but also do not look like I am wearing a sack. This has the added benefit of making me appear as though I am comfortable with myself, even when I am not.
I started dying my hair in 10th grade, and that has helped my self-esteem a lot, because there's something I have some measure of control over. I also found a hairdresser who can thin my hair out a lot without making it look stringy.
And for my face, I leave it alone. I don't wear make-up because that's just another thing attracting my own attention to my own face, which is never a good plan. I think it all comes down to tricking myself.
This feels like a very superficial blog post but I think that in a world where we are ALL insecure and we ALL feel fat and we're ALL always having bad hair days, it can help to break down a little the reasons why because that is the best way (for me?) to try and counteract it. Anyway, whatever we say when we're feeling high and mighty, we all want to look nice, at least to ourselves.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Oh hi there!
I am done bouncing around the country (Chicago-Ohio-Maryland-Ohio-Michigan-Chicago-Michigan-Ohio-Michigan-Ohio, yes, I'm dizzy too.) which means I finally have a mildly consistent internet connection and a computer free of viruses! (McGillicudy was ill. Now he is totally blank.
I got back to school today, moved all my stuff in and almost unpacked it all too, because I am mostly pretty awesome. My room is finally a good size for me (tiny! the perfect amount of tiny. My old big room felt like a chasm of loneliness.) I am trying to keep my stress level down, though being suddenly bombarded with people after a pretty much solitary summer has been a little unnerving. I got extra anxious in the dining hall, which was odd for me because I don't LIKE crowds but I am usually not particularly claustrophobic (hi. tiny room.)
I actually have things to write about, but I'm too tired to do it right now, and tired is making me a little uncomfortable both physically and emotionally so I am not in the best place to start jabbering about my health(the trick is, if I'm in a place where my life looks more humorous than depressing, I'm good to write)so I promise now that I'm at school I'll update, you know, now and then. I say, having totally overbooked myself for the semester. Fare well for now!
I got back to school today, moved all my stuff in and almost unpacked it all too, because I am mostly pretty awesome. My room is finally a good size for me (tiny! the perfect amount of tiny. My old big room felt like a chasm of loneliness.) I am trying to keep my stress level down, though being suddenly bombarded with people after a pretty much solitary summer has been a little unnerving. I got extra anxious in the dining hall, which was odd for me because I don't LIKE crowds but I am usually not particularly claustrophobic (hi. tiny room.)
I actually have things to write about, but I'm too tired to do it right now, and tired is making me a little uncomfortable both physically and emotionally so I am not in the best place to start jabbering about my health(the trick is, if I'm in a place where my life looks more humorous than depressing, I'm good to write)so I promise now that I'm at school I'll update, you know, now and then. I say, having totally overbooked myself for the semester. Fare well for now!
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